New Year 2011

My year began with the lost of the love of my life.

It was the most heartbreaking, physically torturous, emotionally scarring, psychologically damaging event that ever happened in my life.  I still remember how difficult it was to breath while it feels as if my heart is slowly tearing apart.  As time passed, the pain still remains, but so is the love.

Now, as the clock continues to move towards the new year, all I want is to treasure the love and forget the rest.  At the stroke of midnight, I will only think of the love we shared, the genuine happiness I felt through out the year, and hope that this is only the beginning.

Happy New Year!

The Art Of Letting Go

... is something I need to learn to master.

"Letting go doesn't mean you stop caring, it means you stop expecting the other person to"

I admit I still can't let it go.  I still want him to care.  I would also admit though, that it doesn't mean I'm unhappy all the time.  There are moments in my life when I look around me and feel grateful for everything in my life.  At the very least, I don't have to hide who I really am.  I don't have to live a lie.

There's still a missing piece in my heart that only he can complete, but right now, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.  If I were to end up not having that piece that completes my heart, my life would still be fine... because I put my best in everything that I do.  When it comes to that, I have no regrets.

Am I Stupid?

All the education in the world will never be enough to prepare you for a heartbreak.  Actually, scratch that.

All the education in the world will never be enough to prepare you for how painful it is to love someone.

Heartbreaks can be so much easier to deal with if you hate the person, or at least know how to stop loving them.  Love is the biggest and hardest emotional hurdle to get over.

Despite what everyone says, despite it being smack right in front of me, my heart seemed to shut itself from the obvious.  Granted, there are some moments when I start to dislike you.  But at the end of the day I still love you.  At times I'm happy to know that you're still alive.  At other times I hate knowing that you are still alive but you're not beside me.

I don't think it's stupid that I still want to be beside you to support you through your successes and failures.  But I am obviously stupid for thinking that there is even a tiny chance that can ever happen.

Brain Matters

if i tend to get aches and pains on the left side of my body, does it mean that my LEFT BRAIN is heavier than the right - therefore, causing the aches and pains on the left side, or does it mean that my RIGHT BRAIN is working on overdrive, since the right brain controls functions on the left side of the body?

..... does that make sense to anyone?

me old(er)

at the stroke of midnight last night, my phone started beeping.  it was the sound of my facebook notification as my friends send their wishes for my birthday.  then i started thinking.... remember when those wishes were sent through short messages instead of an online social networking site?  it felt so long ago.....

i realized i've grown so much in the past year, and i realized how lucky i am to be so blessed with the people i am surrounded by.

i have great parents who've supported me no matter what my decisions were.  great younger brother, who at times act like an older brother.  great friends who've helped me through the most heartbreaking moments in my life.  great colleagues who've made me feel so welcomed wherever i was.

so as i shed my last tears at the age of 27 last night, i realized although my heart is still in pain, my life is pretty good right now.  i hope it is only the beginning of my happiness.

Before We Forget

i am scared that i will forget about our time together.  and that made me reluctant to move on. i am scared because those times together was the best years i've ever had.  i am scared that i will forget, because it seems like you have forgotten.

for the past weeks i've been collecting my thoughts and memories of our time together.  i wrote everything down, chronologically documenting the things that happened to us along the way.

i really hope one day you can read it... because really, it is for you...  because i never want you to forget that i do truly love you, with all my heart and soul.

now i can move on... secure that those memories will never be lost...

Your Lucky Charm

I believe I am your lucky charm.  If not for the superstitious reason itself then for the fact that I know I can help you grow and reach your goals faster than anyone else.

When I was with you the only thing I focused on was you.  In uni, I read articles and summarized them for you.  I helped you research for your assignments.  After work, I hurry back home to make you dinner.  I even use some of my time at the office helping you with your job.  My career was not even close to being a priority.  Not that I minded, in fact, I loved it.  I love that you rely on me.  I love that I can participate in that part of your world.  I was more than willing to be a supporter to your growth.

While I was focusing on helping you grow your career, while you were out meeting important people and learning from them, I was at home doing everything else that would make our house a home for both of us.  I was missing out on opportunities for my personal growth.  But now that you're not here, it's a different story.  I am having dinner with VP's, meeting Regional Directors, and the Country MD of a massive global company values my opinion.  Looking at the situation, you're the one who's missing out.

I am the only one who would sacrifice my own progression to help you grow.  Without me you're just a scambling of thoughts with no direction and never would be even half as successful as you could ever be.

You used to say we make a great team.  Too bad you've lost a crucial part of that team, me, the person who believes in you the most.

2010 Mother's Day

With all that's said about Mother's Day, my mind kept thinking about your mother.  Despite the fact that I've never met her before, I feel sad for her that she has a son who is such a disappointment.

some of the things i don't have the guts to say out loud

- get out of my house!!
- your daughter is starting to look like your boyfriend's daughter that he has with his current wife
- i still love you and would take you back in a heartbeat
- your wife is cheating on you
- i look forward to the day that you fail to get what you want

this is MY place, dammit!

I think I have very high tolerance level.  For sure, I am an easy person to live with.  But these couple of days I've had to live with my mom's friend and OH.MY.GAWD!  I can't stand it.  The first night I came back to my place, it doesn't feel like my place anymore.  There are things scattered EVERYWHERE, the kitchen is a mess, and there are ants all over the counter.  I feel like crying/screaming but I can't. ARRRRGG

AND, she broke my glass! ok.. so it's a free one from mcdonald's but it was still my glass!! Luckily it wasn't my lovely Raffles hotel mug - which, by the way, she used as a coffee mug/rubbish cup. ARRRRRGGGGG

I wanna cry out in frustration... I don't even know how long she's staying.

HUR~ I gotta go hide my mug.....

you III

i thought i would be ok by now but a simple image still acts like a knife through my heart. it happened and there's nothing anyone can do to reverse it now. at the end of the day, it's still me who's left with the loneliness and pain. at the end of the day, my feelings for you haven't changed.

does she bite apples into bite-size pieces for you?
does she rush home to cook for you everyday?
does she take care of you when you get sick?
does she wake up at 2 in the morning to make you ramen?
does she love you as much as i do?

i thought i've cried out all my tears.....

you II

i actually miss how you always need to have a bottle of water next to the bed every night.

remember one time we had quite a lengthy argument about that?  you insisted that i get up to get the bottle of water for you, and i insisted that you should do it yourself because i'm already tugged under the blanket.  i said you should go get it yourself so i can sleep and that would make me happy.  then you said that if i got up and get the water, you would have stopped bugging me and we both would be happy.  you were really stubborn! in the end i got up to get you the bottle of water.

if i had to do it again, i wouldn't have wasted the time arguing.  i would have gotten up, got you the bottle of water, and spend all night holding you close to me.

you I

i miss how you insist that i hug you like i will never let you go.  and when i do, i squeeze you with all my strength - until both of us find it difficult to breath.

the first time you asked me to hug you like that, it reminded me of how i used to hug my parents when i was young.  i would randomly run up to them and hug them as tight as my little body can squeeze.  and i was doing the same to you.

now you're gone, and i'll never get a chance to hug you like that ever again.

it's been a while

it's been a long while since my last blog post.  the main reason is because i was getting over a heartbreak.  the biggest betrayal and pain i have ever felt.  i lost the person i love the most and even though he's done horrible things i still do love him and believe in him with all my heart.  that's why it still hurts.


anyway, i shouldn't dwell on it.  life goes on, no matter how difficult it feels at times.


well... that's it... for now

emotionally charged silence

there are so many things that i wanted to say during that 5 seconds of silence.  i know there are words that you wanted to say too, but it's not the right time for you to express them yet.  even so, i can feel their embrace... thank you.

lessons from bubble tea

i've been depressed for quite sometime.  i just hate not knowing what is going to happen next and right now the only person who can give me some sort of answer is not available.  i haven't been able to eat properly and my emotions have caused me to be physically ill.

i went out to get something to eat today and i wanted to have green tea from the bubble tea place without the pearls.  i didn't have the energy to tell the lady - no pearls, so she put them in anyway.  turns out having the pearls in there made a bit of a difference.  it added a bit more sweetness to the drink.

maybe if i just let things happen at it's own time, things will get better.  maybe all i had to do is just wait and not rush things so much, take it as it comes.

it's hard for me to live without knowing what is going to happen but maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for me to be happy again.

Jan 1, 2010

life can be pretty miserable when you've found the right person at the wrong time