you III

i thought i would be ok by now but a simple image still acts like a knife through my heart. it happened and there's nothing anyone can do to reverse it now. at the end of the day, it's still me who's left with the loneliness and pain. at the end of the day, my feelings for you haven't changed.

does she bite apples into bite-size pieces for you?
does she rush home to cook for you everyday?
does she take care of you when you get sick?
does she wake up at 2 in the morning to make you ramen?
does she love you as much as i do?

i thought i've cried out all my tears.....

you II

i actually miss how you always need to have a bottle of water next to the bed every night.

remember one time we had quite a lengthy argument about that?  you insisted that i get up to get the bottle of water for you, and i insisted that you should do it yourself because i'm already tugged under the blanket.  i said you should go get it yourself so i can sleep and that would make me happy.  then you said that if i got up and get the water, you would have stopped bugging me and we both would be happy.  you were really stubborn! in the end i got up to get you the bottle of water.

if i had to do it again, i wouldn't have wasted the time arguing.  i would have gotten up, got you the bottle of water, and spend all night holding you close to me.

you I

i miss how you insist that i hug you like i will never let you go.  and when i do, i squeeze you with all my strength - until both of us find it difficult to breath.

the first time you asked me to hug you like that, it reminded me of how i used to hug my parents when i was young.  i would randomly run up to them and hug them as tight as my little body can squeeze.  and i was doing the same to you.

now you're gone, and i'll never get a chance to hug you like that ever again.

it's been a while

it's been a long while since my last blog post.  the main reason is because i was getting over a heartbreak.  the biggest betrayal and pain i have ever felt.  i lost the person i love the most and even though he's done horrible things i still do love him and believe in him with all my heart.  that's why it still hurts.


anyway, i shouldn't dwell on it.  life goes on, no matter how difficult it feels at times.


well... that's it... for now

emotionally charged silence

there are so many things that i wanted to say during that 5 seconds of silence.  i know there are words that you wanted to say too, but it's not the right time for you to express them yet.  even so, i can feel their embrace... thank you.

lessons from bubble tea

i've been depressed for quite sometime.  i just hate not knowing what is going to happen next and right now the only person who can give me some sort of answer is not available.  i haven't been able to eat properly and my emotions have caused me to be physically ill.

i went out to get something to eat today and i wanted to have green tea from the bubble tea place without the pearls.  i didn't have the energy to tell the lady - no pearls, so she put them in anyway.  turns out having the pearls in there made a bit of a difference.  it added a bit more sweetness to the drink.

maybe if i just let things happen at it's own time, things will get better.  maybe all i had to do is just wait and not rush things so much, take it as it comes.

it's hard for me to live without knowing what is going to happen but maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for me to be happy again.