you I

i miss how you insist that i hug you like i will never let you go.  and when i do, i squeeze you with all my strength - until both of us find it difficult to breath.

the first time you asked me to hug you like that, it reminded me of how i used to hug my parents when i was young.  i would randomly run up to them and hug them as tight as my little body can squeeze.  and i was doing the same to you.

now you're gone, and i'll never get a chance to hug you like that ever again.

it's been a while

it's been a long while since my last blog post.  the main reason is because i was getting over a heartbreak.  the biggest betrayal and pain i have ever felt.  i lost the person i love the most and even though he's done horrible things i still do love him and believe in him with all my heart.  that's why it still hurts.


anyway, i shouldn't dwell on it.  life goes on, no matter how difficult it feels at times.


well... that's it... for now

emotionally charged silence

there are so many things that i wanted to say during that 5 seconds of silence.  i know there are words that you wanted to say too, but it's not the right time for you to express them yet.  even so, i can feel their embrace... thank you.

lessons from bubble tea

i've been depressed for quite sometime.  i just hate not knowing what is going to happen next and right now the only person who can give me some sort of answer is not available.  i haven't been able to eat properly and my emotions have caused me to be physically ill.

i went out to get something to eat today and i wanted to have green tea from the bubble tea place without the pearls.  i didn't have the energy to tell the lady - no pearls, so she put them in anyway.  turns out having the pearls in there made a bit of a difference.  it added a bit more sweetness to the drink.

maybe if i just let things happen at it's own time, things will get better.  maybe all i had to do is just wait and not rush things so much, take it as it comes.

it's hard for me to live without knowing what is going to happen but maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for me to be happy again.

Jan 1, 2010

life can be pretty miserable when you've found the right person at the wrong time

miserable

it's christmas and new year time and i am in no mood to be happy or to celebrate anything.  although there are people around, and i get to spend time with doggy, i can't seem to be happy.  i miss teeruk so much that i want time to travel quadruple the speed it normally does.

i like to feel that i'm needed... somehow... and now that we're not living together and hardly ever talk, i feel that he doesn't need me anymore.  that his life is fine without me and that i'm the only one being miserable from missing him so much.  and i can't even tell him that i'm miserable.  i have to support what he wants to do and keep hoping that the love that we have built is strong enough to withstand the time and that his feelings for me will not change.

it's just so hard having to change from being together all the time to not knowing when i will get to talk or to see him again.

most nights i cry myself to sleep..... and he has no idea.